The Dance of Power: Dominance and Submission

There is a beautiful polarity in dominance and submission. The desire to control, to be controlled. To be cared for, to be witnessed, to be served. Some of these things on both sides.

A great book, “Unbound by Kasia Urbaniak,” talks about dominance being ‘attention outward’ and submission being ‘attention inward.’ A sub is feeling their body, out of their head, in ‘sub space,’ and basking in the attention of the dom. The dom is energetically feeling the subs body, in a way it’s not reading their reactions, it’s feeling them - moving their attention into the subs field to respond in a way that is without self.

In this book, she also talks about it being like a yin and yang, with a bit of the other in the center of each. It’s not a lack of attunement to yourself as well (as the dom) or your dom (as the sub) but it is the focus of the attention in the direction of the sub.

Another dimension to this comes from Betty Martin’s ‘Wheel of Consent.’

Two poles here, ‘Who is it for?’ And the ‘Doer,’ and ‘Done to.’

A ‘Doer’ can do something that is for the other person’s pleasure, ‘serve them.’ Or for their own pleasure, ‘take from them.’

There is a lot of shadow that is both real and can be projected onto a ‘taker,’ but it neglects the fact that, in the right circumstances, most people like being taken from. And a shadow of sensuality work is that it’s often all about ‘serving the other person’ when I’ve noticed that often clients want me to touch them for my pleasure - which I absolutely do. It’s natural to want someone to also be enjoying themselves!

So how does this play into dominance and submission? Often people think of the dominant one as the ‘Doer’ but it can also be the other way around. A sub can serve their dom. A sub can also be told to take from their dom. It’s power dynamics that can interchange roles around active and passive.

Dominance is creativity. It’s feeling and embodying desire and acting on whims.

Submission is softness. Surrender from the mind and what you think you want and a deep listening to your body and its response to trust.

Many people want a mix. To be in one role sometimes, and the other at other times.

Some people have to be ‘on’ all day at work, managing teams, making decisions that affect the people that are their responsibility. And then they want to be able to come home and just relax, be pleasured, be told what to do, be cared for. Other people crave the power, the responsibility, the trust being given to them. Maybe they spend all doing what they are told, fulfilling tasks, and not feeling in charge. There are some people also that just lean towards a desire to be in one role or the other most of the time but I’ve found that most people want at least a bit of a mix, even if it’s 95%/5%.

I also am a firm believer that there is so much to be learned from experiencing the other role, even if it’s not in your innate desire. Taking on the submissive role and feeling what a good dom vs one that isn’t doing it for you feels like is invaluable as a dom. Understanding the vulnerability a sub feels, feeling your own body soften, even if it’s only 5%.

An integrated internal masculine and feminine, and by extension, inner dom and sub is someone who has experienced both sides and from that place of deep knowing, knows themself and what they desire from each. Knows how to pick up the other role when situations call for it. And knows what they are looking for in someone that will meet them there.